Savannah Lee

Commenter Ulla Lauridsen, who is from Denmark, has raised some really interesting cultural questions about American marriage habits. In particular, she said, "What's up with shopping around for a husband or wife for 10-15 years?"

Being American myself, I'd never thought about that. More precisely, I'd never questioned the assumptions behind it. I clumsily replied that, hereabouts, people who marry later are thought to be more "responsible" than those who "rush into" marriage earlier. But that just raises the question: why?

For an answer, let us turn to the Dixie Chicks and their pithy tune "Goodbye Earl." The story of two old friends who team up to murder the unlucky one's abusive husband, it perfectly encapsulates the darkest American fears of early marriage:

Mary Anne and Wanda were the best of friends /All through their high school days /Both members of the 4H Club /Both active in the FFA /After graduation Mary Anne went out lookin' /For a bright new world /Wanda looked all around this town /And all she found was Earl

That's pretty much it in a nutshell: if you "go out lookin' for a bright new world," you'll find it, but if you stay where you are and take the first guy who seems to be nice and right for you, you will pay. Possibly not as dramatically as Wanda, but you will pay.

An older (27-35) person, the theory goes, has had time to make some mistakes, figure out who they really are and what they really want, broaden their horizons, and find their place in the world. Theoretically, they're less vulnerable, less naive, and more able to hold their own. Such a person should not only choose a better mate, but be a better mate themselves.

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Now, for me, it didn't work out that way at all. My husband and I found each other in college and we not only loved each other but acted "like an old married couple" right from the start, as my sister-in-law once laughingly (and with a tinge of horror) told us.

I was a bit shocked by this, because it so went against what I'd always heard and believed life would be like. I had fully expected to marry at 30-35 after dating at least a couple of guys. That was how it was, right?

But I obviously wasn't going to break up with a man I loved, liked, and walked sweetly with, just because our relationship didn't fit the script.

So I ended up partnered very early and without any of the comparison-shopping which is deemed to be so essential. For me, it's worked out well.

But I guess I should add that I already had a clear sense of what I wanted in a man. I'd spent years hiding in my room (or wishing I could), rocking back and forth and fighting off delusional feelings of not being able to breathe or swallow. Pretty boys and party time meant nothing to me. My mission statement came straight from the ironically-titled Van Halen classic "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love:" "I got no time to mess around."

Instead, I wanted--well, let me give you an example. Remember the movie "The Truth About Cats and Dogs," starring Uma Thurman and Janeane Garofalo?

Okay, my husband took one look at the poster and went "Who the hell would want Uma Thurman when you could have Janeane Garofalo!?"

Everything that remark stands for is everything I wanted in a man.

I knew that, no matter how much I might change in my life, that wouldn't. I wasn't going to wake up one morning and think "I'm bored with being tenderly and idealistically loved for who I am! I'm done with being listened-to and put first! I'd rather date a competitive alpha male who will treat me like a trophy or try to outdrive me on the freeway!" Not gonna happen, you know?

What I'm trying to say is, though...I actually did follow my culture's ideal of really thinking it through and knowing what was important to me. It's just that I arrived at that knowledge by suffering instead of dating. But I did arrive at it. Someone who's more instinctive and has less of a sense of why they like the people they like should...well, probably wait.

At least if they were born here. It does mark you, your culture. For better and worse.