I still maintain that Hostess cupcakes are good for you.
However, it has been one damn thing after another this winter--I have gotten sick again and again and I am way more wiped out than I should be. I have lost weight, I can barely drag myself out of bed, I've left behind a big chunk of my former interests so completely that I don't even think that was the same person, I am not just fantasizing about visiting Bermuda but in fact about moving there and starting an entirely new life, and the scary thing is, I'm not depressed. I'm demoralized, for damn sure, but I'm not depressed.
At times like this, I look to my father. My father, and I mean this as a compliment, is crazy. He's largely useless for anything normal, like shopping or watching TV, but he's very good when it's metaphorically (or indeed literally) 3am.
He taught me one thing, never with words but by example: when it gets that bad, start eating health food. Many were the times we went down to the local hippie restaurant for tempeh fried rice and enormous salads with a heavenly green dressing--piquant as a memory--that they shared with us like a secret.
It's gonna take a lot of that to fix me now.
I have to go there...I have to start eating health food. Not just one meal. But for the foreseeable future.
The fact that this does not even alarm me is what alarms me.
There are many philosophies of healthy eating. Tons of potential culprits to eliminate: dairy? Meat? Sugar? After reading this account by Laura Moser of her adventures in sugar-busting, I decided that that would be my organizing principle. My body appears to have rejected sugar anyhow, so I'll follow its lead. Out with the simple carbs.
"Just don't make us do it too," said my husband.
"I won't," I promised.
So I've dragged myself out of bed the past two days to make large quantities of red beans and wholegrain rice, wholegrain pancakes (use lots of milk if you try this at home--you don't want these suckers too thick), and other Just For Mommy fare. My goal with this is to get to the point where I feel good again. That's all I want right now.
Possibly my old personality will come back. That would be nice. Otherwise, I will sign up for the therapeutic massage program (long story) at our local community college and take it from there.
Sigh...
